How a Book Club Suggested Thriller Moved me to Face My Generational Trauma

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"The book I didn’t choose, and wouldn’t have chosen but trusted to read anyway reminded me to face the trauma I didn’t choose, but need to face anyway. "

No matter what book you read, it came to you because you vibrationally attracted it. That book is a vibrational match to something you are feeling or experiencing in your life and the book will have an effect on your emotions or have something to offer you. For the past eight months I have been testing this theory. I have developed a framework for reading books that keeps this perspective in mind. If I am reading a book for any reason the book came to me because it is a vibrational match on some level and there is something in it I need. 

I have been building the framework “The Manifesting Lens”  by reading anything that I gravitate to, tracking my emotions and what was going on in my life when I picked up the book, where the book came from and how it came to me, and as I read what happened and came up in my life.  I track what new things come, what leaves my life, how I feel, and any shifts and changes.  I reflect on a book's theme and messaging and see parallels in my vibrations, thoughts and emotions with the book I am reading at any given time and what other things are happening in the world around me and in my life while I read it.  Thus far, my experiment has only been of books I personally chose or purchased.  I was the sole decider of picking up that book and reading it. 

What Led me To This Book

“The Manifesting Lens” has manifested a book club. At a summer workshop for English Teachers I shared that I was working on this framework with other English Teachers and they were really enthusiastic about my study. One of them invited me to join her book club and it felt kismet. This Book Club was a manifestation of a social life, something I had been lacking for a long time since having children and living through the covid pandemic.  It was also an opportunity to explore books with other people; books that I didn’t personally choose.  It would be an opportunity to see how others react to books and a chance to see if my theory is correct.  It would help me prove my theory that any book we read is a book the Universe sends us regardless of where it comes from or what kind of book it is. If one can sit and read and finish it. It has something for us. If the book wasn’t for me at the moment, I wouldn’t be able to focus on it at all or finish it.  

The first book the club chose was a thriller called Kill for Me Kill for You by Steve Cavanaugh.   I am on a journey for discovery and manifesting. Historical Romantic, Fantasy Fiction, or Self Help is my usual book of choice.  I have been avoiding anything too violent or true crime for many years.  The Newscycle is too disturbing and I tend to want to manifest comfort.  So I was very surprised that the first book was exactly what I usually avoid.  Yet it was also exciting because perhaps it came to me to truly test my theory and help me develop “The Manifesting Lens” further. What could this bloody thriller have to offer me or show me about my own life? 

Before I Read Vibe Check

Kill for Me Kill for You came the second week after school started back up.  I was battling balancing an insanely busy schedule not only at my own work, but also adjusting to my own kids’ new schedules,  their new teachers, maintaining their after school activities, and making sure “The Manifesting Lens” remained a priority in my life.  I really wanted to enjoy this bookclub and not waste the opportunities it brought me -possible new friends, exposure to other avid readers, and new reading scenarios to test my theory- but my energy was chaotic. Adjusting to so much in such a short amount of time affects the nervous system and mine was unsettled. I wanted “cozy” yet as I faithfully cracked open the book, I wasn't too sure if reading about horrific trauma was the right move for me.  

My faith in “The Manifesting Lens” and books as manifesting tools kept me in the book.  Thrillers are typically easy reads, but the subject matter would clash with my already stressed energy and, while most gripping easy reads I can read in a day or two, I spent the first half of the book reading three or four chapters at a time (and they are short chapters).  Thrillers are less about character arcs and more about action and I struggled with becoming invested in any of the characters or buying into them as real.  Yet I read on, trusting that at some point there would be a realization of why this book had made it into my hands. 

Relating to the Content

The book was about trauma and closure.  A woman is obsessed with trying to kill her child’s killer because he is wealthy and the Justice system cannot touch him.  She cannot find peace as long as he is still alive.  Another woman was brutally attacked in her own home.  She lives in fear that he will return and attack again.  She lives in a cage, her fear makes her hallucinate, she cannot eat or sleep or leave her hotel room. If she knew her killer was dead she would be able to start to heal and live a relatively normal life again. Another woman spends her time at trauma recovery groups, resistant to healing until her own child’s killer is brought to justice.  She too dreams of killing the murderer who changed her life. No one can heal, no one can move on until their killers or attackers are put to death but each one of them makes decisions in their trauma states that hurt others.  They make mistakes, they even hurt innocent people. 

Manifestations and Reflections

I wasn’t the only one in my family dealing with stress.  Every member of my household was adjusting to new schedules and more responsibility too.  Labor Day weekend was three weeks after school started.  Three weeks of me coming home late, my husband cooking and handling homework and school pick ups.  Three weeks of lunches made before bed and resistant revolts at bedtime.  Three weeks of not enough laughter and too much “we need to do this now because we have to get up again tomorrow and do it all again”.  So it wasn’t entirely surprising when on Labor Day we tried to drive to something “Fun”, a fair in the mountain towns near our small city and we had to turn around.  It was an explosion of every single one of our tensions, and lack of coping mechanisms to deal with our stresses and feelings.   My youngest was resistant and complaining and crying the whole morning.  The oldest has the fight or flight ADHD response that is fight everything anyone tells you to do in the moment unless it’s your idea.  The two girls would then push every boundary with each other.  I had not been sleeping as well and my nerves were raw.  My husband was domineering and unable to stop his overbearing attempt to control the situation.  It was a disaster.  We drove for a full hour and were almost there when I just turned around.  We yelled, we screamed, we made it all worse the entire way up and the entire way back and none of us were able to just stop. 

My husband and I both grew up in households of Boomer Parents.  Boomers didn’t go to therapy and they were raised by parents who had experienced World War II and The Great Depression and another generation that didn’t go to therapy either.  We are the results of generational trauma. All of us are. I have wounds of not enough and too much which cause me to overachieve and I used to be a people-pleaser. I have a difficult time maintaining friendships because I isolate and am overly independent.  I don’t "receive" well because I feel inadequate in that what I have to give back won’t be wanted or enough.   My husband is overbearing and explosive. He struggles with control issues. My children are being raised with our issues, and our wounds are quickly becoming their wounds. 

Our trauma begets trauma. To heal we need to face it and put it to rest.  We MUST do this or else we will pass it on to the next generation.  I was right.  All books come into my life for a reason and they help me with manifesting change.  I can focus on my dreams and my goals all I want but even this book that I didn’t personally choose; a book I didn’t even particularly love, still was showing me that no dream life can happen if we don’t heal our trauma.   

My husband and I have recognized for a long time that we could all benefit from seeing a therapist.  In these times most people recognize generational trauma and the need for therapy.  But it is difficult to find time in a busy schedule.  Or perhaps that’s an excuse.  Perhaps it is difficult to put energy into finding the right therapist because facing our fears, our pasts, our trauma is difficult.  We are wired to avoid difficult things. 

Reading this book was difficult.  Therapy is difficult.  Finishing this book reminded me that I need to pay attention to the trauma residing beneath the surface of my household and how, until I face it and heal it, it will continue to hurt my children. 

The Manifesting Lens was proven accurate again.  Even a book I didn’t choose, or particularly enjoy, was a powerful gift timed exactly when I needed it.  We ignore therapy until it becomes impossible to ignore. My family deserves better.  My future grandchildren deserve better. 

End of Book Vibe Check 

I feel excited, open, and determined.  I have called the insurance and am researching the therapists in my area.  We will schedule an appointment in the next two weeks and begin healing what wasn’t ours and healing what we have passed on to our own children so that we can finally move on. 

Applying “The Manifesting Lens” to every book I read has been nothing short of profound.  I am always manifesting something in my life whether I am aware of it or not.  Every book that I read I have attracted to me and vibrate with as I read. Every book is a tool to inspire me to manifest what I truly want in this life.  The book I didn’t choose, and wouldn’t have chosen but trusted to read anyway reminded me to face the trauma I didn’t choose, but need to face anyway. 

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