How the Book The Memoirs of Cleopatra by Margaret George Taught me About the Value of what we Already Have.

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“She took charge of her own fate. I can learn from this.” 

 

What led me to this book:

I read The Memoirs of Cleopatra by Margaret George. I don’t know why this book called to me. I had a full plate and not a lot of time. There were plenty of other shorter books on that shelf but for some reason I picked up a huge 900 page Historical Fiction. It felt serious, and did not promise any light reading. Perhaps deep down I was simply feeling serious and didn’t have room for lightness. 

Here is what was going on when I started reading this book: 

• Burn out: I started reading it because nothing was starting to bring as much pleasure as it used to. I always escape into books when I need to find a way out of my own exhaustion and I was finding myself in an increased state of what I can only identify as burnout. I was exhausted. The weight I carried felt heavy. I could not find any time for joy and when I sought new things to focus on thinking “maybe this will finally bring satisfaction”, I was left feeling depleted and empty.

• Blame: I had everything I wanted. A good job, subjects I wanted to teach, a loyal husband, beautiful children, a nice house, even my pet cats were the sweetest and best of all pet cats. We had enough money to go on vacations when we wanted, to pay our bills, eat out, and still I was tired and burned out. I blamed teaching. Teaching and the 6:00am to 5pm, or even 7:30pm schedule plus homework, dinner, bath time and putting kids to bed.  

• Misapplication of energy: To climb out of this burn-out I thought I needed to become independently wealthy and start my own business somehow. Which meant that in order to finally be satisfied I must work harder, sacrifice more of my time, and with pure grit build a new business that would eventually make enough money so that I could retire early and finally have more time to relax, exercise, and play with my kids. This was the only way I could see how to some day create a life that allowed me any time for joy. 

• Course Correction: But I had recently read a book called Gilded by Karen Eldad and in it I learned that this point of view, of working harder to someday in the future possibly be rewarded with time and relaxation and satisfaction was flawed. Adding more things to accomplish was misguided because checking off lists and completing tasks and doing more was really just temporary and short lived satisfaction hiding a lack of self worth. Instead, I needed to focus on what brought me joy now.  For me that was books and my children and family.

• Action: I spent time creating a journal that could help me track my emotions and how I was reacting to what was going on in my life while reading a book. The first book that I picked up off my shelf was “The Memoirs of Cleopatra”. Reading is second nature to me, but I never paid attention to how my reading really influenced my life. This time I intended to track my life while reading to see how books affect my mood and reflected my life. I wanted to see how books are manifesting tools. 

Before I read Vibe Check: 

The process I created in my journal has been outlined in my first blog about Bibliosouls. I completed a "before I read vibe check". I noted what I ate and how I was feeling. Before I read this book I ate a lot and often and felt exhausted all the time. I was overscheduled, not sleeping well, and eating any and all food to quell anxiety. 

My husband and I were bickering a lot. I was complaining about a lack of down time in my life and if I did manage to have a few minutes of downtime, I spent them obsessing about finding a way to change careers and make more money so I could have in the future some more down time and balance.

Relating to the content:

When I first started reading this book I looked for inspiration in Cleopatra’s character. I saw Cleopatra as a strong queen who tried very hard to have some control over her life. In my journal I wrote, “she took charge of her own fate. I can learn from this. “

I did find some inspiration in this character. She was brave and smart, and she followed her heart. But the book was long and on top of the work/life weight I was already carrying was a heavy read. It was about three tragic figures in History. I re-lived the assassination of Julius Caesar, the chaos and turmoil of the change of end of the Roman Republic, then I read about the eventual defeat of Egypt by Octavian Caesar, and the eventual deaths of Antony and Cleopatra. 

Cleopatra was doing all she could to keep Egypt prosperous and safe, but we know the history. She was doomed. This particular book certainly didn’t alleviate my overwhelmed and overworked state. I was still anxious and exhausted. But this book was delivering in one area; I wanted to learn from this book how to take charge of my own fate and that meant finding a source of happiness. But Cleopatra aligned herself with two men who always wanted more. With Julius Caesar it was always more territory and another battle to win.  With Marc Antony it was always more luxury. Cleopatra had incredible wealth but despite her wealth she always feared for her country’s security and safety. 

 Her crown was always under threat. In the end, no matter what choices she made, she lost it all anyway.  None of the wealth mattered. Going after more and more ended in doom for all. If every single character in that book was able to be content with what they had and didn’t need more, every character would have lived and thrived. 

Manifestations and Reflections:

• The world around me: In tracking what was going on in my own life while reading this book, it was Donald Trump's first 100 days in his second term.The news was drenched in confusions, claims of constitutional crises, and chaos around the world. Every day I was reading news headlines about the reshaping of world powers and economic instability. From Egypt Cleopatra was watching the world order change with the rise of the Roman Empire in the hands of one Julius Caesar then later Octavian Caesar. The energy of this book was matching the energy of my current world. 

• Where energy deserves to go: I looked back at my emotional and energetic state at the beginning of the book and I compared it with where I was at the end of the book. When I closed The Memoirs of Cleopatra I wrote in my journal, “ I have been busy and burnt out.  I have been all over the place with my eating and coping habits. I have fallen out of alignment with a balanced lifestyle but I am motivated.  I think trying to prove myself no longer serves me and I need to just focus on what I already have and find joy in that. I re-live the parts where Cleopatra was most fulfilled when she was with her children and her friends.  In the end that is all that she truly had.  Octavian took her throne, her castle, her immense wealth. The key to my own joy is finding peace with what I have. “ 

• Comparison: I also noted, “I have poured myself into a type of rulership of my own. I am aware of how doing the tasks before me can keep this ship I have built afloat. I am a ruler in my own right.  I have subjects, I care about them and I rule over big projects. It requires duty. It is exhausting and I wish I had less to rule over but I am not going to shirk my duties. I will not seek more. I will do my best. I no longer want to conquer anything more. I want to organize, cleanse, examine, and love what I have. I want to simplify so that I can appreciate who I already am and love who is with me in this life.” 

End of book Vibe Check: 

At the end of the book my intention completely shifted. I didn’t need to achieve and conquer anything new. Focusing on enjoying the wealth and abundance that I already had meant to learn how to equate love with joy instead of achievement with joy. 

Before I picked up a new book to read I started to say yes to my family more. I put my phone down more and started to practice gratitude. I felt a weight begin to lift and new motivation fill me. What do I already have? What do I actually need? What was my true wealth? In addition to stopping looking for things I didn’t already have, I wanted to further explore what books could teach me about finding joy. While I wouldn’t necessarily say I felt joy while reading The Memoirs of Cleopatra I certainly learned a lesson about where joy can’t be found, and that’s in always wanting more.